Talkin' Baseball
When I was young, I'd spend summer weekends shagging flies and
pretending I was Carl Yastrzemski. Now I spend them mowing the lawn and
pretending I'm Joe Mooney.
Choose one of Dan's parodies:
Stanley in the Box
(with apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer)
The outlook wasn't brilliant for the New York nine that night;
The score was five to three with but one inning more to fight.
And so when Backman couldn't reach, and Mex was put away,
A mad frustration fell upon the Mets fans down at Shea.
"Congratulations, Boston" lit the scoreboard on the field,
A few fanatics, though, believed the loss was not yet sealed.
They thought if only Stanley could be called on by the Sox,
They'd put up even money now with Stanley in the box.
But Cal Schiraldi'd been the Red Sox bullpen ace all year;
It wasn't very likely he would leave the ball game here.
With Boston needing only one more out to win the crown,
There seemed but little hope of Stanley's getting to the mound.
But Carter ripped a single that Schiraldi couldn't reach,
Then Mitchell drew two strikes before his grounder found a breach.
When Knight delivered also, and they saw what had occurred,
There was Mookie Wilson batting with the tying run at third.
From the bleachers blue and orange there arose a lusty yell.
It echoed through the airport and around the grandstand shell.
It seemed in all of Flushing there was no one keeping still,
For Stanley, weathered Stanley, was advancing to the hill.
There was ease in Stanley's manner as he straightened out his cup.
There was nothing on his fastball as he started warming up.
As Red Sox fans read hopelessly the writing on the wall,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Stanley with the ball.
A hundred thousand eyes watched his as Stanley checked the sign.
And fifty thousand tongues told Mookie, "Down the first-base line."
Then while the writhing Stanley went into his stretch he knew
That Red Sox fans had yet to rain on him his final boo.
From the benches black with people there went up a muffled wave,
Like the beating of the tide as Stanley tried to get the save.
"Kill him! Hit a homer!" someone shouted as he threw.
That was only within reason as the count went two-and-two.
With a pitch of Christian charity a foot from being a strike,
That Gedman waved on by like a collector on the Pike,
The score was tied; the winning run advanced to second base.
The count went full as tears mixed with the sweat on Stanley's face.
"Yay," screamed the drunken thousands, and the echo answered, "Yay!"
They eagerly awaited the climactic losing play.
The saw Bob Stanley's knees grow weak; they saw his muscles strain.
They all could see the Red Sox dreams descending down the drain.
The smiles have fled from Boston fans, their jaws agape in shock.
Their feet too numb to run away, their legs too weak to walk.
And now the pitcher nods agreement with the catcher's call,
And now the air is shattered by a weakly hit ground ball.
Oh! Somewhere here in Boston there's a suicide note found.
Outside apartment buildings TV's plummet to the ground.
And somewhere fans are screaming, and somewhere they just cry;
The Boston Red Sox have just found another way to die.
Temptation
(with apologies to Billy Joel)
I know I shouldn't watch the Sox do or die;
I know the closer that they get just means the harder I'll cry.
But I can't help tuning in each game that they play;
Another series, I'll be camping out along Yawkey Way.
They're such a temptation,
They're driving me crazy.
And I might find salvation,
If they can just go all the way.
I know what all of my friends say --
They're afraid that they'll choke in the clutch.
But they're such a temptation.
Well, I look so tired, 'cause I don't get much sleep.
That's 'cause the Sox are on the coast until the end of the week.
I try to be rational, and I try to stay calm,
But I'm trapped in the excitement when the Yankees get bombed.
They're such a temptation,
And nothing can save me.
It'll end in frustration,
When they end up just one strike away.
I know when all of my friends say,
About Stanley and Buckner and such.
But they're such a temptation.
They only keep it close to lead me along.
They know I buy the drug they push 'cause the addiction's so strong.
They grab hold of my heart, and they'll hang on 'til the end.
They've got it hanging like a Mike Torrez mistake to get hammered again.
They're such a temptation,
They always amaze me.
And it's my fascination
That's making me watch every play.
I know what all of my friends say,
That they pitch out of danger too much.
But they're such a temptation.